Can you afford another child?
People are really thinking about finances when they make decisions about conception, and many struggle with being a working mother vs. staying at home.
I hear this more often that you’d think: “I wish I could make more homemade foods, but I just don’t have time with working all day.”
How many people do you know who have children yet don’t see them 40+ hours a week because they “need” both parents to work to sustain the family income?
Will Princess Leah get fewer birthday gifts when baby brother comes along? And would she (gasp!) survive that downgrade?
Many working moms have guilt about the time spent away from their kids, and many also wish they could do more for the family’s nutrition but simply cannot balance it all.
It’s a tough spot to be in, but if the numbers released recently by the U.S. Department of Agriculture are correct, all those dual-income families may be right. They’ll need $12,000 a year per child to raise them for 18 years, not counting college savings. Three kids easily consumes a full salary after taxes.
In a move that is overwhelming parents across the nation, the government has estimated that it could cost $226,290 to raise a child born in 2010.
That figure intimidates me at first glance, particularly considering we’re having baby number three in a matter of days here. And I’m not alone: 2 out of 3 moms in a recent BabyCenter.com survey said that money concerns will affect how many children they have.
As a Catholic who is open to life and strongly believes children are a blessing, and that families should prayerfully discern expanding their family each month while using natural family planning, it hurts my heart that money is such a strong deciding factor.
Don’t hear me wrong here: I definitely don’t believe all people should have as many children as possible. Prayerful discernment should include such things as the parents’ ability to cope with one more, the best interests of the other children, the overall physical and emotional health of the family unit, and the family budget.
However, when I see outrageous numbers like a quarter million dollars per child, I’m ready to pick those figures apart in an intense discussion of wants vs. needs.
I was invited to interview Jean Chatzy, financial editor for NBC’s Today Show, who was dishing advice on “Can You REALLY Afford to Have a Baby?” based on these numbers. That subject line in my email certainly caught my eye!
I have to admit I was initially concerned that the advice would end up very in line with the culture: be prudent, wait to have kids, have a smaller family, etc., allowing children to sound like a burden. I was more than pleased to see that the focus was “Have the baby!” and then how to save money while raising a member of “the recession generation” being born right now.
Who Interviews Whom?
Is two enough?
As tickled as I was to chat with someone I had just seen on morning television, as I prepared questions for the interview I found myself wanting to share as much information as I wanted to ask Jean for hers! Our budget from 2005 demonstrates that we spent less than $600 on baby things for our first child, diapers included. The budget is mostly diapers, in fact.
If we add in the $105 in medical copays for him that year plus the added cost of the family medical insurance plan and the small amount I spent on baby food, since I made most of it from scratch, I feel confident saying that we spent less than $1000 in that baby’s first year of life.
That figure is such a far cry from $12,000 that suddenly I had plenty of questions:
- What in the world is included in the $226K to raise a child?
- Aren’t there about a bazillion ways to spend less than that?
- Why could I spend so little? Have economic times changed that much in five years, or do most middle income families included in the study simply spend that much differently than our family?
- How can we evaluate the value of a mother staying at home vs. working?
Are You Curious Too?
I’m guessing the readership here at Kitchen Stewardship®, where we focus on saving money and eating such incredibly healthy foods that one pretty much has to make from scratch, also crunches their child-raising figures far below $12,000 a year per kid.
Jean Chatzky explained that the $226K estimation does include everything, even a portion of the home mortgage and car payment – which assumes that you’d need a larger house and larger car to fit the family.
Immediately one must pose the question of wants vs. needs. As someone currently living with her in-laws because we’re seeking a larger house, this may sound ironic coming from me. However. We are living within our means wherever we end up, so even though we want a larger house, enough so that we’re making some serious sacrifices to get the right one, I regularly clarify that we do not need anything more than we had.
We could have had a perfectly happy family life in our old 3-bedroom house with the tiny kitchen (and yes, some days I get scared of the unknown end of the tunnel on this journey and just wish we had stayed there in the comfortable “known”). Even four children would have fit just fine in two bedrooms, since children don’t need their own room and often actually benefit from the lessons learned from sharing their space with a sibling.
Are Two Babies Cheaper Than One?
This question of “Can you afford to have a baby?” seemed much more geared toward couples who already had a child or two and were considering expanding their family as opposed to the childless couple wondering if they should start a family or not. If numbers alone are the deciding factor in “kids or no kids,” it hardly seems to matter what the statistics say. Of course it will cost something to have a family; the real question here is how much per child?
Some of the figures included in the $226K are certainly legitimate – most middle class folks will choose to drive a minivan and have an extra bedroom in their house once they have one or two children. There is a cost there. However, the jump from compact car to minivan only happens once.
I maintain that for families considering expanding their family, it couldn’t possibly cost $12,000 per year, per child. Each child has to end up making less of an impact on the family budget, because you’re already driving the minivan, you already have the crib, changing table, car seats, bikes, swingset, ETC. And if you’re a frugal gal like me, you borrowed or found second hand all of those items except the car seats!
Jean Chatzky agreed that it’s possible that additional children will cost less but was quick to remind me that there is always a “breaking point” at which another child will require a step up in some of the big costs like house and vehicle. In fact, the statistics from the study that made her “open [her] eyes the widest” was the number of moms who said, “I would like three, but I feel like I can only afford two.”
If I really thought this child sitting on my bladder would cost $12,000 this year, and $12,000 the next year and so on, I’d probably be frightened into saying the same thing. Numbers like a quarter million dollars do little but incite fear in young parents’ hearts across the nation.
You can raise a child for less.
Particularly once you already have kids.
Keeping up with the Joneses: Wants vs. Needs
May I state for the record that children do not need very many toys? Children do not need piano lessons or hockey travel teams or yearly vacations to Disneyworld or YMCA memberships. Babies do not need all the gadgets in a Babies ‘R’ Us catalog.
As it turns out, Jean readily admitted that most people spend more than $600 in their child’s first year of life both because times have changed (prices increased), but mostly because most people don’t think like me. They don’t always borrow, buy secondhand, and seek frugality.
For example, I spent a mere $21 on Paul’s first winter coat, his high chair, and twin bed sheets and comforter that lasted from age two to five. We bought our baby gate new ($20) but only $13.25 on a pair of shoes and his first birthday gift combined. That high chair and baby gate will not need to be purchased again as we head into baby three. Children are simple, if you let them be.
We spent $45 this summer on tee ball for our 6-year-old. But if that money wasn’t in our budget or if we had to find a place to cut, I guarantee we would have chosen to simply play more catch in the yard, organize a few kids to practice skills, or get smart and realize the YMCA offers a free league just down the street.
I could choose to spend $50-100 a month to give my child the experience of Gymboree, or I could spend nothing and regularly attend library Storytime and Bright Beginnings, a free program offered by the school district twice a month.
I can see how many figures could add up quickly while raising a child, but these “wants” that many see as necessary also inflate the average that people spend. I’m not most people, and I’m happy about that.
The Value of a Stay-at-Home Mom
Hot, bedraggled, wearing all secondhand clothes – we’d never make a magazine shoot – but we’re having fun family time using our zoo membership that I ask for as a birthday gift each year.
I could dress my kids in gorgeous, matching, brand new clothing every time they change a size and spend a fortune, or I could shop second hand, accept hand-me-downs from friends, ask for clothing for Christmas and birthdays, and borrow from friends. I’ve purchased practically nothing for Leah to wear beyond a few packages of underwear because a mom in my Bible study is lending me her oldest daughter’s entire wardrobe, while I lend her Paul’s wardrobe for her second, a boy.
The value of having a network of other moms and time to hit a garage sale here and there is monumental to our finances, and I wouldn’t have time to do it if I worked part or full time outside the home.
I also wouldn’t have time to shop for food wisely, whether that means couponing or visiting various stores to shop sales or farms to find the best produce I can. I wouldn’t have time to make my own bread or cook nearly every meal from scratch. I might not have read about making homemade yogurt when Paul was 9 months old, a process that enables me to make 1-2 gallons of yogurt for our small family every week.
I save $9 every time I make a batch, and it takes 15 minutes. $36 an hour is a pretty good salary for a stay-at-home-mom, don’t you think?
You may have seen the studies that factor how much it costs to work outside the home: taking into account daycare, gas to commute, professional clothing, lunches out and convenience foods necessary to work 40 hours, many women are working for a few bucks an hour. I’ve even seen some figures that demonstrate that a mother would save more just staying at home than she would working.
When I asked Jean Chatzky how to quantify the value of the stay-at-home-mom’s “job,” she began by saying that “Stay-at-home-moms get all the credit in the world from me because their job is so much harder than my job.” However, she continued, unless one is looking at how much life insurance to buy for a mother to cover all the jobs she does at home, Jean didn’t think one needs to ask the question, “What is this contribution worth?” but rather, “Can we afford to do this?” and still afford our lives?
She recommends that during pregnancy, a couple should try to live off one income and bank the second as a good test of that question (and a great way to get that “just in case” nest egg as well). Here are a few resources if you’re contemplating making the switch from two incomes to one: BabyCenter.com’s Cost Calculator and Chatzky’s budget worksheet.
I maintain that a stay-at-home-mom who makes homemaking her profession, her vocation, can have a quantifiable “income” in the money she can save her family (considerably knocking down the $12,000 a year that other people are somehow spending on their kids!). The question then becomes, Jean reminded me, “How many moms are like you?”
“Are moms actually going to clip coupons or make from scratch, to make that their job? If that’s true, absolutely, you can attach a higher value on your life as a stay-at-home-mom. …You’re really saving your family significant money because that’s added value.”
Of course I told Jean I’d teach her to make homemade yogurt too. 
I tweeted the link to @JeanChatzky (follow her there for smart money tips, and even join the conversation on #thecostofraisingkids).
If you’re a regular reader, it won’t surprise you that I have MANY ways to save money, both on the food budget and everywhere else. Some of the more significant impacts include:
- Eating beans and cooking dry beans at least once a week (as I detail in The Everything Beans Book with 30 recipes)
- Making homemade chicken stock regularly
- Buying in bulk
- Using basic homemade cleaners
- Eating soaked oatmeal for breakfast
- Relying on leftovers for lunch
- Avoiding expensive pre-packaged snacks as I attempt to make homemade snacks to go
- Making homemade LOTS of things (See recipes tab for ideas)
- Menu planning to avoid last minute store trips and falling back on expensive convenience foods, as well as making sure I don’t waste food I buy because it’s all planned in.
Where’s the Silver Lining?
The real positive outcome of this recession generation may be in how the children grow up looking at money. The parents who are having kids right now are being forced to handle their finances differently than even five years ago. They are learning to save, to be frugal, to discuss things like wants and needs.
Jean says it will be interesting (and hopeful, I think) to see what kind of savers and spenders the children born today will grow up to be. We need a new renaissance of frugality, and this may be it!
Financial Advice to Have that Baby!
I thanked Jean at the end of the interview for encouraging people to “have the baby!” and not wait until they feel perfectly financially stable. If couples waited for financial stability, no one would ever have children!
As a parent of someone in the recession generation (or a grandparent who needs to pass this information to their children), here are Jean’s best tips for keeping your finances in order:
- “If I can get moms to do one thing, it’s save money!” she said emphatically.Go through your spending line by line and figure out where to make cuts in every single category. “The more stress your finances bring to your marriage, the more likely you are to get divorced. Families that save money – assets vs. debt – are so much stronger!” It’s not always fun to save rather than spend, but having that money allocated for the future ends up fun because it allows you to dream.
- Save for retirement over college. While it’s nice and generous to help your kids through college, they can get financial aid for that. There is no financial aid in retirement, and it will really hurt your kids if you have to end up turning to them for financial help just when they’re trying to raise their own family and save for their future.
- If you do have the $5/week or month to save for college, get a 529 savings account for sure. Savingforcollege.com will get you on the right path to the appropriate plan. And make the savings happen automatically so you don’t even miss it. As soon as the $5 feels easy, bump it up to $6.
- More from Jean Chatzky HERE at BabyCenter.
- And Katie’s personal advice: always consider wants vs. needs when studying your budget and discerning family size. Pray about your kids and your finances, offering them to God and trusting Him to take care of you as He does the birds of the field.
A Final Thought Nugget
When I read this philosophy on family size, it was a revelation to me.
Our children certainly impact the country and world we live in, right? One of the big problems in the news today is that Social Security is dying. Why? Partly because there aren’t enough young working adults to pay into the system to take care of the elderly generation.
If we have fewer and fewer children, there will be fewer people paying into Social Security, fewer taxpayers, and more needs for caretakers for the elderly as their health declines. Are we damaging our economic security by raising small families at less than the replacement rate nowadays? Just a little something to think about…
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How about you? What are you best money saving tips for raising children? Do you think about finances when deciding whether to expand your family?
And how much do you think people really have to spend on a child from birth to 18?
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So agree with this post and so encouraging to hear that frugality is still totally doable with multiple children! By the way, I also believe children are a blessing. 🙂
Thank you for bringing another perspective to this matter! It really opened my eyes and I am happy to say I’m more similar to your habits than whatever the government assumes are the average habits of spending in America. 😉 thank you thank you thank you
I’ve been doing research on medical insurance. My husband switched jobs and the kids and I are no longer covered…Do you have any thoughts or advice on medical insurance for a large family?
Thanks
Jeni,
I don’t have experience buying my own insurance, but there are a few comments – maybe on this post? – from readers about a really cool insurance co-op sort of program. It’s worth skimming these comments or searching KS for “insurance” to see if you can find the info! Good luck – Katie
(And so sorry I took so long to reply; my
comments got out of hand as I finished up the second edition of my snacks book!)
Just now reading this post and wanted to add that we have been raising quadruplets on almost entirely hand me downs — we have hardly purchased a toy or outfit (not counting Christmas outfits). We go on craigslist or accept hand-me-downs from singleton babies and just spread those clothes/toys among all 4. The kids are perfectly happy! We plan to have another next year, God willing!
Loved this post! Had to share on FB! 🙂
You know, one of the most expensive parts for me was maternity clothes! I know that’s not technically “baby stuff,” but that is where most of my cost was. I think I spent a few hundred spread out over the course of the pregnancy. People gave us so many wonderful baby things, but for maternity clothes I was mostly on my own. There were some people who loaned me clothes, but they generally either didn’t fit right or weren’t nice enough for me to wear to work. I tried thrift stores but found nothing. 🙁 So I bit the bullet on that and now have a great maternity wardrobe for whenever I next need it. And in the meantime I’m able to bless my sister-in-law by letting her borrow it all!
I am a mother of a 1 yr old, unemployed and my husband is unemployed (over a year an a half). We live in the state of IL and my daughter is on the medicare for kids in the state. I have a MA degree and my husband has been in the skilled trade business for over 18 yrs. We have a great nest egg to rely on. We receive unemployment (we feel that we have paid into it, and now we are cashing in on it). Also, with all the “drama” in our lives with no work, new baby (a year ago), bills, etc, we still can not find it in our conscience to close God out of our reproductive lives and “choose” not to have a baby at this moment because of our finances. We, too, are Catholic and rely on the grace of God to get us through… if He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. We believe that if God has it planned, then we should cooperate with the plan as much as possible (hence we are totally open to life). In the year since our baby was born, I have not gotten pregnant (but I wish I were 🙂 and we believe that God is in control of it all. HE knows when we should have more children. HE knows whether we can financially afford more. HE knows whether we can handle more and how many. HE knows… Be still and know that I AM God.
On another note… kids in daycare because mom and dad feel the need to work … I must say I don’t agree with this concept. Partly because of the above comment about God being in control of our lives, but also because I am a product of that mom and dad that worked and I went to daycare. To this day, I do not have a good relationship with my mother. Granted, I had a GREAT relationship with my daycare provider, but I never really bonded with my mom in the early years. This has affected me to this day. I grew up, though, with everything… summer camps away, music lessons, sports, family vacations with my other siblings, etc. Some would say I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth. It taught me nothing about the love between a mother and a child. All the money that was spent and set aside for us did not help me in my missing the bosom of my dear mother. As great as the money may seem, as great as the “social” outlet daycare provides children, as great as the daycare may be, it doesn’t substitute for good ol’ Mama. No money, no time, no possession, no trip… nothing can replace the love and nurture as well as the bonding that happens when a mother chooses to stay home and take care of her small child.
This is not meant to “tsk, tsk” anyone or hurt feelings, I just think it is good to hear how it affects on the otherside of the equation – the child. I missed out on my mom. She still loved me, but I missed her and so did my siblings. I still feel these effects today as a woman in my mid-30’s.
WC, I am so sorry you and your siblings did not get a good bond with your mother! That’s something I certainly worried about when deciding to keep my job after having a baby. He is 6 now and very adamantly believes I am the most important and wonderful person in the universe, to an extent that sometimes annoys or worries me!
I think that he bonded so strongly to me because when I was not at work, I kept him with me most of the time: carrying him in a sling as I did errands, having him nap or play in the same room where I was, sleeping next to him when I was sleeping. He did spend some time with his dad when I was doing things that are difficult to do with a baby (like going to the dentist) and to give me some time off a couple times a week for an hour or so, but mostly he was with me. He ate nothing but my milk for six months, and even though it was in a bottle when we were apart, it was a biological connection between us.
Many mothers, employed or not, consider that kind of thing too difficult. To me it was easy and felt very natural. After he weaned, I felt less in tune with him, but we continued to have a lot of special time together as I chose a preschool near my office so we could commute together by bus, during which I read to him many favorite books from my childhood.
My point is that, although more time with a child does give more opportunities for bonding, it doesn’t necessarily create a stronger bond than can be achieved with the right approach toward smaller amounts of time. My own mother didn’t go back to work until I was 11 years old, while my father sometimes worked two jobs or overtime, yet I was about equally bonded to both of them–because my father made it a top priority to play with me before dinner, put me to bed each night, and do things with me on weekends, while my mother was HOME more but tended to be busy with her own things.
I don’t mean to discount your story at all, but I do wonder if you feel that it was wrong for your father to work, too, or that your bond with him suffered as a result. When I feel worried about my relationship with my son, I always try to remember, “How did my dad do this?” because he is my employed parent role model.
I haven’t seen very many people answer the question about how much it really does cost to raise a child. Perhaps most people consider that too private?
I did a quick back of the envelope calculation, and I figure that I spend an average of $3000/child to birth and approximately $3000/yr/child to raise my 5 (almost 6) children. That is an average across all the children, and it is definitely true that they get more expensive as the years go by. You CAN have the 16 year old find a way to pay for their own car insurance, but there are limits, and child labor laws! I have to admit that I appreciate the $1000/yr/child tax credit, and have never really considered it a burden to other tax payers (perhaps that’s where that SS calculation comes in!)
I am a homeschooling WAHM, so I have a little less time to do the money saving things (garage sales, etc. Has anyone else noticed prices going up significantly at thrift stores?), plus extra expenses for school supplies, however, I am well aware of how those expenses could be cut back, and there are times in our lives when we have. We own our own business so the option of just quitting my WAHM job doesn’t really exist as then my dh would be out of a job as well! Regardless of the ratio of hours worked on making vs saving money, we (he and I) have still seen that where there is a will there is a way when it comes to affording children (especially when the will is God’s 😉 And I’d love to hear how much my kids think their brothers and sisters are worth…
You know, I was just working on a post on this exact topic…but you covered it so well! I have found that as soon as large families are brought up, the discussion on welfare is not far around the corner.
That in itself leads to the assumption that if people have large families they a)are on welfare or b)make a lot of money. Your point is that those assumptions are not the norm. Those 2 situations happen, but many people have children and then cut every corner until they live in a sweet little family circle.
I really appreciated what one mother said when we were discussing family size. She said “we decided not to have any more because we could not maintain the lifestyle we preferred if we had more.” While it somehow grieved my spirit, I appreciated her honesty. I think oftentimes large families are large because they prefer another child in the house to name brand clothing.
I feel, though, that as a society, we are missing out on so much by seeing our children as obstacles to what we desire, instead of the objects of our desire. What I mean is that God says they are a blessing, and we just don’t believe him. What I mean to say is that my friend who was honest I don’t believe is doing anything wrong by having a small family. I just feel sorry that she’s missing out on the fun party.
Gretchen, you should definitely still write a post and start with what you wrote here! Beautifully said!
🙂 Katie
The Lord did not provide finances enough for us to put our six children through college.
I gotta be honest with you. A college education doesn’t buy much right now. A dear friend of ours graduated last year with $100k of debt. She’s 22 and has this huge load on her for the forseeable future. She majored in Criminal Forensics, something “they” told her was recession-proof. She (like the rest of us) is working part-time at Walmart.
I have one child in college. He is working his way through, paying as much as he can on his own. My other child who seems to be headed in a college-required direction (medical) will be taking at least the first two years from home online, only transferring credits for the necessary courses that aren’t available from the online venue.
More and more, a college degree is becoming an optional luxury, not nearly the requirement it has been in decades past.
Interesting reading: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1967580,00.html “The case against college education”
http://www.amazon.com/Already-Compromised-Ken-Ham/dp/0890516073/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1313000120&sr=8-6 “Already Compromised”
I LOVE this post!!! I lost my job in January. I worked full time out side the home in a mid manager level position. My husband works full time also as a teacher. We went from six figures to $34k/yr, all in a swoop of the rug out from under our feet. We had positioned ourselves to go to one income, but it’s been way more eye opening actually being in the middle of it all. We have four children, 12, 7, 3, and 1. It’s expensive to work, and now that I’m no longer working, we can’t imagine me returning to an office job. No way.
Allie
This is a thought-provoking article with a lot of great resources. I think my son may have cost us as much as $12,000 in his first year, but $6,700 of that was child care costs! I was astounded by the increase in disposable income when he started public school last year, even though we were still paying for after-school care and now had to provide all his lunches (instead of only sending substitutes for the scariest items in his preschool’s included-in-tuition lunch). I estimate that this year, his total expenses will be about $5,000. If his father hadn’t been between jobs this summer and we’d had to pay for day camp, $7,000–still far short of $12,000. We live in a less expensive part of the country, but still, that is a big difference.
So, even as an employed mom, I find that figure perplexing! It’s like the realization that my family spends less on groceries than the USDA “thrifty” average even though we eat lots of organic and natural stuff. For our child, we’ve sometimes spent more on things we especially like or that reflect our values, but we more than make up for it with bargain-hunting and doing without some things.
I do have a few issues with your article…
You write as if only the mother has any choices to make about employment. My partner has been able to do work he truly enjoys by working for small companies that offer minimal benefits, while I have held onto a steady job where I do work I enjoy, feel very valued, and have good benefits. He earns much more most years, but it’s my job that keeps us insured and pays the bills when he’s between jobs, which has happened twice in our child’s 6 years. We really like this balance. The opportunity for him to be alone with our son all day this summer has been enriching for them both. Fathers often don’t get enough time with their kids. It’s easy for moms, starting from such a strong biological bond, to act like the “real” or “expert” parent, so it’s important to give dads a chance! When both parents have been working, it’s worthwhile to crunch the numbers BOTH ways, not just, “What if Mom quit her job?”
There certainly is “financial aid in retirement”: Social Security. Yes, its viability is imperiled now, but a large portion of the problem could be solved by employers hiring only legal workers who pay into the system. Illegal employment exploits the workers as well as imperiling senior citizens and everything else financed by payroll taxes. I’m not against immigration AT ALL. I think it’s just fine that America is growing with people born elsewhere as well as people born here. But I think it’s important that everyone has a fair share of the rights and responsibilities of an American, instead of corporations “saving money” for their stockholders by using workers who live in fear of discovery and aren’t protected by safety and labor laws and, in the process, ripping off our senior citizens.
I agree that it’s important to save for retirement, but saving for children’s education is important too. It’s not so simple as, “They can get financial aid.” Even if college loans miraculously continue to be available for the increasing population of students during the recession (and various congressional efforts to cut loan funding), borrowing money costs money, which puts the students at a disadvantage after graduation when they must repay thousands more than the cost of their education. Beginning adult life debt-free is an enormous advantage, and when it’s combined with teaching children frugality, it’s likely to produce adults who are ABLE to help their parents financially if needed.
Becca,
You’re always so good at challenging my thinking! 😉 You’re absolutely right, I went with the “cultural norm” and acted like only moms can stay at home. Stay at home dads are a great blessing to kids, just as you point out. I missed the boat on that one!
You are also right that the Social Security mess has many reasons and necessary solutions. I like that you support immigration but just all on the up-and-up – think we’re on the same page there.
And I’m in the happy group of people whose parents did help with college and, between that and scholarships, I had no college debt, which has been a great blessing. But I still think that if it’s a choice between one or the other, not both, I’d choose retirement. But always….to each their own! 🙂 Katie
I am completely overwhelmed by all of these stories of love, sacrifice and faith. I am the mother of the most precious one year old girl. This year staying home with her has been the absolute best of my life, although it has also been the hardest. It has been the hardest because of the sacrifices we have made to keep me at home. Your comments have given me strength to trust in the Lord and continue to do the things I need for my family and to find joy. Katie, I love this blog. You inspire me. Thank you.
Even though I’m a single mum, I made the decision to only work when the kids are in school, so that I can be there for them in the afternoon. It means that money is a constant worry. Forget about wants, we often don’t have enough money to pay for needs. But I still believe I made the right decision and I definitely wouldn’t change it.
And it’s funny how, even though money is always a stress, my boys talk more about wanting to spend time with me than they do about wanting material things. It seems no matter how much time you spend with your kids, it’s never enough for them.
That’s not to say they don’t want material things as well. The other day their Playstation broke – the one that was given to them by their father. And even though it’s a want not a need, I was very impressed by the fact they didn’t ask me for another one, but just started planning how they could save up the money themselves. So I told them that if they saved up half, I’d contribute the other half.
But even though I think we’re only buying needs, talking to my 90-year old neighbour one day showed just how much my ‘needs’ are based on today’s expectations rather than real needs. She told me that, if I was having trouble financially, I should simply tell the boys they won’t be getting Christmas presents this year. And she was serious. It’s a definite need for me – but she thought of it as only a want.
Liz
Liz,
Your boys are so blessed to have a mum who puts them as first priority, no matter what! Their attitude is awesome…blessing you right back!! 🙂 katie
We are expecting our first baby in two weeks, and I have to say that I don’t think we will come anywhere near the $12k mark for spending on the first year. My husband is in the military, so our healthcare is already paid for (as is that baby’s, once he gets here), which I realize is a huge blessing and one that is not common. However, I have CHOSEN to save money in lots of other ways. When we first found out we were pregnant, we put away $400 a month into a “Baby Savings” account to pay for large purchases like furniture. We were planning on doing this for my whole pregnancy, but ended up only needing to save for about 6 months (so total – $2400) and we bought all our furniture, bedding, strollers, etc. We did not cheap out on any of those things, nor did we buy second hand. The biggest savings that we’ve found, however, was shopping garage sales for all the little stuff! I have an ENTIRE wardrobe for our little guy from newborn until 2T and I would say that I have spent less than $100 on it. And to top it all off, everything I buy is name brand – Gymboree, Gap, Children’s Place, etc. and in great condition. We also got a hiking pack to carry the baby, an extra stroller, Baby Bjorn, etc from garage sales for ridiculous bargains!
My husband makes a very income, and we are not struggling to get by by any stretch, but I have found that he appreciates it very much when I make an effort to save money (particularly on things like clothes that the baby won’t use for very long) and be aware of our spending. There are still upcoming expenses that I refuse to cheap out on (like newborn pictures) but all in all I think for sure there are ways to make having babies not break your budget.
Your post is wonderful! I totally agree that children DO NOT need to cost that much. We have four kids and I buy most of their clothes at garage sales for about $1 a piece; it’s name brand stuff too! I buy all my shirts and dresses, kids toys, and household goods at GS as well. We buy furniture off craigslist and buy used cars. We do not suffer for anything, and most of the secondhand items we get are still like new. If we had asked ourselves at 20 if we could afford 4 kids the answer would definitely have been no, but our life has changed, we’ve gotten raises, learned to be frugal, and learned to prioritize (I even chose to run an in-home day care for a time, so that we could afford for me to stay-home). If you feel the desire for more children use common sense, but don’t let fear guide you.
Very good article. As a stay at home mom my job is to save money wherever I can. I feel that is my calling. That is also what enables me to be able to stay home. I also think it increases my value to the family unit.
My husband and I have 9 children. The oldest three are in college. They do not study abroad (lots of people we know do study abroad) as they cannot afford it. The oldest just bought his first car so he could do an intern in another state. They have been raised with the idea they have to pay for their college. This essentially means they go to community and then state colleges. My third child is blessed with a job that pays part of her tuition, although that means she must stay home since she has to work at the same time! None of them have taken out a loan. Only one of them has a lap top he bought himself. They all sacrifice so they can attend college. Where is it stated I owe them a college education? Is college for everyone? How many college graduates do we know out of work? I know so many young people who have never held a job when they graduate from college. Does this make them smarter, better? Some businesses think of them as a higher risk and won’t hire them, so what have we proved?
I believe the greatest gift I can give my child is a sibling. They heartily agree. We homeschool. We sent them to private and public schools and find homeschooling our best value. We are mocked and teased to death about our choices. Which makes me wonder why I can be mocked but I must be careful of what I say to others. We all make choices-we all make good ones and bad ones. God has blessed us in ways we never would have thought of- and they are not always financial. Try putting a price tag on siblings enjoying a game together or reading to each other. Try putting a price tag on a family camping trip when we have to drive two cars! Try putting a price tag on a hug from a little one when I just had a disagreement with an older one! Try putting a price tag on love and care and responsiblity. I am a stay at home mom but was very busy this summer making sure the older five got to their jobs and then the bank so they could put most of their money in the bank for their future. The rest was spent on their siblings because they wanted to treat them. I could not put a price tag on that! If you believe in God, believe He will give you all you need. He wants us to be happy and cared for! If you do not, then I don’t know what to say because there is no way we can do this on our own. I do not mean to offend anyone. A wise person I know told me If we are in a mess and wonder why, look in the mirror. What choices have we made?
Marilyn,
Your children are so blessed! My two favorite quotes from you:
“I believe the greatest gift I can give my child is a sibling,”
“If you believe in God, believe He will give you all you need.”
We just gifted out 2 kids with a sibling Saturday night! Baby John may not get college paid for, but I pray he has the lovely opportunities your kids have had.
Thank you so much for your comment, and I hope you can lift up those sufferings from the people who mock and tease as prayers united with the Cross. God bless you!
Katie
I absolutely don’t think it costs that much to raise a child. I have been a parent for 10 1/2 years and I would of spent 336,000 by their calculations. I don’t even think that is possible on our one income family. I’d love to comment more but I have two little kids under foot not helping me put together a logical thought together!
I wonder what you would have to say about me who CHOOSES to work part time? I don’t need to, but after a pregnancy that went awry, preterm labor, delivering twins (one of which had a fatal condition and died the day they were born), and a 19 day stay in the NICU with my surviving baby I was suffering from severe depression. Going back to work part time when my daughter was 10 months old was one of the things that helped me return to somewhat of my old self. But, you wouldn’t know that if you were to meet me. I would be one of THOSE mothers who isn’t smart enough to figure out how to make my budget work and drinks Starbucks because it is a “want”. Never mind the fact that we live very frugally, feed my family mostly homemade and organic food, and I am not working just so I can do things like drink Starbucks. I love the topics you address blog and have been following for a long time but this post and the posts where you mock your gracious in laws who let you live with them are making me consider not reading anymore. You are a very knowledgeable person who has a lot of information to share but you may want to consider the manner in which you deliver. It’s about education, not judgement.
Jamie, I also CHOSE to return to work part-time after my first child was born. I didn’t have any of the difficulties you experienced, but I was very depressed and felt extremely lost and isolated. Going back to work saved me, and was good for my family for that reason. It was not about money. I only brought in about $200 a month after we paid for daycare. This post was addressing moms who feel like they can’t afford to stay home because of money fears, or perhaps because of the fear of re-ordering their priorities. This does not apply to you. You are doing what is right for your family right now. Good luck!
An extra note: I am a REALLY happy SAHM with four kids now. If you ever do choose to be a SAHM look for a good, supportive Moms Group. This can make the transition much easier. The MOMS Club is one I highly recommend!
Jamie,
I’m not sure how I missed your comment before, but I’m glad I saw it now. As I sit here with my 2-day-old son, my heart just breaks for you and your family. What an awful trial to go through with your children; I’m so very, very sorry.
I assure you that this post was much less lauding the vocation of a stay-at-home mom than it was to simply disagree with the numbers released by the government. Two-income or one-income family, it seems ludicrous to spend that much on children.
Since you asked what I thought of your choice, actually, I think it sounds like you made the best choice for your family – a happy, healthy mama is the most important thing you can give to your kids, so that you can care for them well because you are cared for.
I also think – just my opinion – that working part-time and full-time are 2 different beasts as far as your kids are concerned, don’t you? As one who does work part-time, and here I am wading through hundreds of comments 2 days post-partum, I feel like you and I are not far apart. I blog because it keeps me connected and does “fill me up” as an adult, similar to your work. But it also is a source of income, one that will enable us to get a bigger house – a “want” we have, although we didn’t “need” to move. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a hypocrite here; my story and yours continue to underline the fact that every family’s situation is vastly different, and we all must discern our own choices with our spouses (when they’re in the picture). That’s precisely the reason sweeping figures like $226K do little more than incite fear in young couples considering increasing their family size.
My goal is always to educate, sometimes just to rant, and never to judge. I’m terribly sorry if this post resonated hurtfully with you (and I have a post in my drafts called “10 Reasons I LOVE living with my in-laws” which is quickly becoming 20 reasons as the days go by, precisely to make sure my readers know how much we appreciate their generosity, even though we may have differences in life philosophies). Thank you for adding another important story to this post –
God bless your family!
🙂 Katie
Thank you for the response. You may have caught me at a bad moment. I usually am not so harsh. Probably came from the place of me being jealous of those mommas that get to plan for a Bradley birth and such. So I am sorry for being so quick to lash out. The Bradley Birth is totally what I wanted, but absolutely not what I got. Probably the farthest from it that anyone could imagine. But, I must accept the fact that this is my life. I understand now that your goal was to disagree with the figures released by the government rather than to tell mothers that the only choice was to stay home with their children.
I am still going to be a reader, I promise! 🙂
We all have those days, Jamie! 😉 And I was just hoping not to have the baby in the car this time…just barely achieved my goal! 😉 Katie
Not only do most parents not borrow/buy second hand, but I’ve come to realize that most (or at least many) parents buy everything new for every child. One reason I didn’t tell anyone the gender of our first children (twins) was because I wanted our baby gear, and newborn clothes to be gender neutral for possible future children. At that point I was thinking in terms of blankets & sleepers & such, and it was a challenge to find those in neutral colors/themes. That was almost 9 yrs ago. Then, 3 years ago I got pregnant again, and I was STUNNED, as I began noticing baby gear again (not to buy, just because it’s fun to look), to see that now so much of the BIG stuff ($500 strollers, carseats, etc) are PINK. I cannot FATHOM getting a $500 pink stroller (ok I can’t fathom getting a $500 stroller, but still . . . ) because I know my husband would balk at putting a boy in it, and I certainly wouldn’t want to have to get a new stroller for each child! I *did* end up getting a yellow flowered carseat for this child, but only because it was something like $20 CHEAPER than the other ones & I figured if I ended up having a boy later I could always get, or have mom make, a cover for it. But really, I think it’s partly a marketing thing, companies, obviously, make more money if they convince people to buy a pink stroller, and then turn around 2 years later and buy a blue one for their baby boy, and partly the “keeping up with the Joneses”, throwaway mentality of society in general.
What I always find amusing about the studies like this is the implication that people with children spend more on cars than those without. Yes a minivan is BIGGER but sports cars and such cost more, and are much more common among those without children. Same with houses, most people consider big or fancy (or both) houses to be a status symbol so often childless couples or those with one child, seem to have bigger houses than those of us with more children.
LOL Sweetpeas! I hear you. I drive a $1500 full size van with 333,000 miles on it and my son rides in a gorgeous discontinued brown and pink flowered carseat. Good thing my hubby likes pink! (and knows how to fix cars!) 😀